Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jacobschneider's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
9:25 pm	escape artist. i've been clenching my jaws for most all of today, saturday, december 23, 2006. i think my (soul) is keeping something hiddenburriedtrapped. i wish i knew what it was. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
4:42 am	i'd like to dream. "what do you plan to do now?" "i plan to live. what do you plan to do?" "i plan to let live." (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 16th, 2006
3:26 pm	Doorman i wrote this today. i'm a pretty good doorman, dressed up in my suit, and i've got a pretty big smile on, 'cause i'm thinkin' of you. i think i'm pretty damn free, dressed up in my suit, and i'm not big on insecurities, but i'm thinkin' of you. but you don't need me. i give my lovin' for free, 'cause you don't need me. i think it's just meant to be. i see a pretty lot of people, dressed up in their suits, and they've got some pretty big suitcases, but they're thinkin' of you. i say a pretty lot of things, dressed up in my suit, but i say them pretty much the same, when i'm thinkin' of you. but you don't need me. i give my lovin' for free, yeah you don't need me. i think it's just meant to be. been here a pretty long while, dressed up in my suit, i still remember your pretty smile, but i'm feelin' pretty blue. and got a pretty long way, dressed up in my suit, and my world's a pretty lonely place, when i'm thinkin' of you. but you don't need me. i give my lovin' for free, 'cause you don't need me. i think it's just meant to be. [bridge] but you know where to find me, dressed up in my suit, and i won't be lookin' in your eye, but i'll be thinkin' of you. yeah i'll be thinkin' of you. yep. this is a really lousy poem. but fear not! i'm putting it to music. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 6th, 2006
12:29 am	technolove is no love. i realized today that love has become an industry. we're paying companies like "eharmony" and "true" to decide who is capable of loving us. it's become profitable to decide what love is and to tell people that they can have it. giving the misconception that you'll be happy for the rest of your life because their computer program says so. so called "experts" decide what's important for a "lasting relationship" and ask generic questions that are formulated to determine the essense and being of a person. you and i can be calculated and paired with one another like a couple of freshly washed socks. what will love become now that it has been touched by capitolism? similar to what televangelists did to religion? what if love becomes just as illegitimate and impersonal? what then? the human soul is taking a real beating. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
1:36 pm	the sea and the rhythm. some people dance through life to the melody of an infinite orchestra; others march through life to the beat of a thousand different drums; and yet others simply stand with backs turned, hands cupped over their hearts as if they were candles in the wind. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
8:29 pm	where is human? in order to become beautiful, one must simply begin believing in beauty. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
3:30 pm	someone save temptation. sometimes life smells like a hospital waiting room, and i'm the guys who's name is always mispronounced when they call for me. sometimes meaning is the most comfortable and the most uncomfortable thing in the world. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
8:39 pm	wise as a wishing well. i've been chasing this idea around in my head for quite some time. this idea that reminds me that i don't have to stop pretending, but i certainly should. this idea that reminds me that i still have a lot to find about myself, and a lot to improve about myself, but probably i won't. this idea that reminds me that heaven is probably inside you, rather than a place you can arrive at. fiction. it's all fiction ever since i was met with something i decided was too big for me to greet. i ask, what's worse than lonelyness? it must be inhumanity. but, what could be more humane than companionship? only lonelyness is worse than lonelyness. sketched blueprints don't change from ideology to nails. sunset clouds to light bulbs. end with scratch (start with vision). return to ashes being. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
8:37 pm	highest of heights. how puny are words about stars. the clouds are continents in disguise. if i can look at something simply enough, its meaning becomes clearer. draw me a picture; illness is but an image. i can get a clear statement about my life from a dream by focusing more on what i'm feeling and what individuals and situations are surrounded by these emotions. "look what you were feeling today-- you didn't fully acknowledge it." my own failure is behind my jealousy and my resentments. how do i keep people out? am i letting your voice touch me, or am i only hearing it? am i insulated from contact? letting people in is largely a matter of not expending the energy to keep them out. allow the pain to talk to me. i dont have to become aware, start seeing, learn to listen. i am already aware, seeing, listening. i take notice of what i can already see, rather than look for what i should be able to see but can't, but i am not open. i've made a habbit out of studying the ground when i'm walking for fear of judging whoever i might see. i doubt that an insight is a revelation. it is probably not more than an elaboration of my present standpoint. everytime i think i know something, life keeps being life, and i am left standing on my head. it seems as though the truth that is needed today is always a lie by tomorrow. turning turning turning silence. "love" has a very roomy definition, but not roomy enough to include everything. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
11:27 pm	hiding in the sleeves of my coat. what would i find out about rain if i didn't run inside? ambition is an extent of the past. i am suprised at how much i indenture myself to the future. i want very much to talk to you, but no words are comming. when i conceptualize, i might as well bury. thought is a symptom. sometimes fantasies are my defense against taking action. sometimes they are my way of producing a wanted emotion. when i hold myself back, i trade appearances for the opportunity to find out what i am really like. the paradox of progress is that i grow each time i realize that i can only be where i am. enough is enough is enough. black stinch. red flailing. yellow missery. life is not the single lane. beautiful women usually scare me. one-eyed way to march. how i am working on a problem often indicates how i am keeping it a problem. look at hunger "without the word". if i'm rehersing it, isn't it obvious that i want to do it? limits and end behavior. "do you think you are a mistake simply because you made one?" only what happens. today an old woman said, "whatever i worry about is not worth worrying about." i'm glad to hear that. and there goes one battle i don't have to fight any longer. why how is feel because should. have-to's. "don't bite my finger, look where i am pointing." "growth" can get to be such a deadly business. "work through" implies the existance of the other side. getting out is getting in. (around is not through). having is getting. wanting is not receiving. i am turned away from noticing me. filling my head with thoughts sometimes gives me the illusion of not being alone. step into my senses. echo my seeing. inspired by I Touch the Earth, the Earth Touches Me by Hugh Prather. beautiful, beautiful book. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
11:09 pm	just feel. do you believe in heaven? do you believe in me? because a life with no hope ain't livin', but maybe you could set me free. i'm free, imagine, me free, just laughin'. and you are not alone, yeah, you don't have to be alone, because the love that you can hold, it's real. just feel. do you believe in heaven? do you believe in me? because a life with no warmth ain't livin', i just want you to be with me. with me, imagine, with me, just laughin', and you are not alone, you don't have to be alone, because the love that you can hold, it's real. and i don't think that i could say in words that could fit onto this page how life just changed when i saw your face. you looked at me as if to say, just feel. do you believe in heaven? do you believe in me? because a life that is broke ain't livin', but maybe i could set you free. we're free, imagine, you and me, just laughin', because we are not alone, we don't have to be alone, because the love we have will grow, we'll feel. it's not too impressive on paper, but i promise it's better when it's put to music. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
6:28 pm	please see for me. lately i've been dying for inspiration. the kind that drips down like rain and gives you time to dance and spin and splash and sing and learn and never forget before it all dries up. or the kind that comes in waves and the undercurrents pull you down and carry you away to a place where you can't come back. or the kind that ripples away in all directions and bounces back to you. or the kind that drifts in through your window and kisses your cheek and lifts you up when you need it most. give me slow motion. life is only as short as you make it. take in everything. feel everything. force nothing. i keep catching myself imagining or dreaming or both. it's healthy. is there anything more beautiful than simplicity? is there anything more familiar than waking up in the morning? someday i'll live by a large body of water. there's a lot to be learned from the waves. the ebb and flow is life as much as your own heartbeat. i met a girl who sang the blues and i asked her for some happy news, but she just smiled and turned away. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
9:36 am	faith. when you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things: there will be earth upon which to stand or you will be given wings. Current Mood: i have some earth. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
11:01 pm	do's and don't's i know but i don't know the sound of your voice i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i do. now that i don't hear from you, nothing seems all that new, don't run, don't run, don't leave me, don't. and you're calling, repeating, you're saying you're tiring, i'm comming, i'm comming, just wait there, just don't- you're falling, watch out, inviting me to shout don't give up, i'll catch you, don't look down, don't. and i know but i don't know the sound of your voice i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i do. yeah, i miss you, i miss you, i miss you, i do. yeah, this would make a pretty unimpressive poem. luckily, it's put to music. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 16th, 2006
11:13 pm	nowhere. now. here. i don't know how to start this. i don't have anything in mind to write. i have too much in mind to write. i've become much more withdrawn anymore. i don't talk so much. i don't try and fix everything so much. i don't try so hard. i don't tell people so much. i'm running out of compassion. reminiscing is sometimes healthy. i've been looking over old livejournal and xangas. i've been listening to old dashboard songs. i've been thinking about old friends and new friends. old relationships and relationships i wish i had or could have had. i miss being christian and having some sense that everything would turn out ok. i want to get out of school and get in college. i want some sort of fresh start, in one form or another. i have some sort of addiction at all times, and it's bothering me. coffee. a video game. a book. walking. i want to join peace core. i want to live in mexico, and be poor and happy just seeing my friends on market day once a week. i want to speak spanish. i want to improve my mindset. i can't motivate myself to do any sort of schoolwork, except for when i absolutely have to. existentialism is kind of interesting. leaving is kind of interesting. i really want some sort of fresh start. some place where i don't know anyone, and anyone doesn't know me either. some place where i can test myself. i've lost any ability i once had to write, whether it's poetry, prose, essay, whatever. everything i write anymore is dry and old and stale and it all sounds the same. kind of like this town. kind of like highschool. kind of like routine, and kind of like the only two pairs of pants that i own. kind of like what i'm drinking right now. cold coffee. my mother kicked me out of her house because i refused to go to church. she said that she didn't want to see me or hear from me agian until i was a "changed man". i haven't been in her house more than twice for several months. i talk to her for a couple minutes every few days on the phone, and not because i call her, because she calls me. fucking shit. i'm not strong enough to move on from what hurts. i feel lower about this than i've felt about anything. we had a long conversation on the phone the other day. the first one in a while. i couldn't stay home. while we talked, i walked. i roamed around galesburg, past silas willard, a house i used to live in, my junior high best friend's old house, a park i've been to once, a gas station i shoplifted from four years ago, and a feild i've broken into once. she told me she knew she hadn't handled the situation the right way. she still feels i deserved consequences, but not the ones i received. she said that she thought it would only last a few days, and i would go to her and ask to talk, appologize, all that. she never thought it would result in me not seeing her for months. months. i explained to her that we don't get each other. we have different ways of thinking of things. typical. in a year and a month or so i will have graduated. in a few months after that, i'll have moved out and gone to college. i have about sixteen months left living at home with my parents, and i'm fucking lessening the time i'll spend with my mom because of my own stupid fucking feelings. she appologized. i wont appologize. not for a long time. i'm not strong enough. i miss being in fate's verdict and hanging out with all my nice, christian friends. i miss when i didn't swear all the fucking time. i miss having one person i could spend hours with and just enjoy myself. i don't care if it's a girl i like, or a guy i'm friends with, i wish i had someone like that. i miss when everyone didn't hate each other. i miss learning everyday. i miss being close to my friends. i miss a lot of things. i want a girl with a faith that she wouldn't give up for the world. i want a girl who's always supportive and who will never put me down except when i'm in a really good mood. i want a girl i always feel nervous around. i want a girl who'll play with my hair, even though it's messy and too long. i want a girl who looks sophisticated smoking a ciggarette, or drinking coffee. i want a girl who really thinks, and who might change something. i want a girl who'll be my friend, and who i won't kiss because i'm obligated, but because i want to. i want a girl who's innocent, but not naive. i want a girl who doesn't try so hard to be unique or to look scene or indie or emo or whatever. i want a girl who has the heart and the guts to go to africa and help build a school or a hospital, but not just to feel better about themselves. i want a girl who might not always have something to say, and won't mind when i don't say anything either. i want a girl who trusts me, and thinks i'm a good listener. i want a girl who's a health nut. i want a girl who's artistic, or appreciates art. i want a girl who doesn't always laugh at my jokes, especially not when they're stupid ones. i want a girl who will simply enjoy my company, and allow me to enjoy hers. i want a girl who ernestly thinks it would be a good idea to sneak in and empty car on a train and see where we end up. i want a girl i won't miss so bad when she's gone. i want a girl who will be there enough of the time, not all of the time. i'm not sleepy. i'm going to be tired at school tomorow. i won't sleep tonight. it's a thin line between gossip and gospel. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 26th, 2006
10:44 pm	you won't let me sink, though i'm begging you dashboard always brings so many old demons to the surface. i don't think any other band has as many songs that hold so many personal connections with me. 'cause turnin' to you is like fallin' in love when you're ten (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
3:55 pm	way before murder was cool. "slow beauty, excuse me, slow beauty. may i ask a question?" "nothing too personal, i hope." "not in the least. i hope you will think about this one, instead of answering too quickly. do you love life?" "i am not alive." "how so?" "i will never live." "i do not understand." "leave me." i wonder if those moments which i sit cross legged, right ankle resting on left knee, with an empty coffee mug in my left hand or my lap, without a care as to whether my hair is disheveled, sock is showing from under my pant leg, shoe is fully on my foot or half dangling, or if there is a smudge on my glasses, looking up or straight ahead are those in which i'm best. is purity patient? do trees keep teeth bundled up in their layers of leaves? Current Mood: don't think twice (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
7:17 pm	think of me (more than ever before) I've felt more like a wasted medal, More than ever before, So please forgive me if I backpedal And turn around knock on your door You know the ghosts standing Behind the window pang In pictures of you and me Those I'd love to turn over so indifferently I've laughed to make my wheels skid More than ever before, I'm a baseball card on my spoke type of kid And, baby, I'm keeping score So don't wish and wonder why, Why and question who, Who and think of me, Yeah, you would think of me Let's love our growing pains More than ever before, Let's let our legs stretch and count our gains, And we can reach and reach evermore You know the upside down roses And used up pillow cases In pictures so big and easy, Those I'd love to turn over so that you could see Let's get tongue-tied far apart, More than ever before, Let's wheel our souls around in a shopping cart, Let's run them right out the door So don't wish and wonder why, Why and question who, Who and think of me, Yeah, you would think of me More than ever before Current Mood: i am not sleepy (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
5:13 pm	this snow falls like a man who is not ready to give up. you can't relate. from the house of leaves came a new set of rules to turn the old world orange and brown and red. how is it that beauty is cold? how is it that purity is self-destructive? how is it that you took the leap (the only one you ever took that was not of faith) but i took the fall? which one of us has landed? you are still falling in my mind. you are still falling. you are much slower than the snow you're looking up from, or the air. you have lost your face in my mind. it has already buried itself, and is very young. your soul pushes and pushes in all directions while calling out the name of god like he's someone you used to know. you said "god is love" and you used to know love, too. you used to know why god died and you used to know why you did, too. you forgot so you could land, but i will never forget, so you will never stop falling in my mind. you are still falling. you move only as fast as my mind can be replaced by yours. i start painting again. your heart beats so loud that mine starts to wonder if it is actually god, and it might bow down and start to worship it. but in the end, it was god that killed the heart; it was too big. i don't mean to call god envious, but when you fail to fail, something's bound to appear backwards. is that how you fell? did you see the world through the tear-cursed eyes of the christ, if just for a second, and lean back to find your vision turn to the heavans which moved away faster and faster every moment, then see the living combination of snow and darkness and stars above (did you take the time to compare and contrast them?)- a world upside down? did you ever see the ground? (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
9:12 pm	sleep-pale eyes, wine-dark. broadcasting history, bounds of possibility. love like disaster fly like blue. remember for the sake of capacity. hit like disaster fly like blue. forget for the sake of falling (faster, faster.) Current Mood: them's got eyes; let them see (Comment on this)